Kris and I were having an actual fight this weekend. One of only about 2 or 3 that we've had in the past 8 years. Luckily, our fights consist of not speaking to each other and being stubborn, so we didn't say anything we'd regret. On her side, she was feeling angry at the lack of control she has over her life. She works 2 jobs, all for me. I have a hard time being an actual human being and getting a job that I don't care for, so she lets me work at Living Arts for odd jobs.
Anyway, at her job at UPS, the management is trying to get rid of the high paid people by making their jobs unbearable. They are also lying and cheating, even having the HR rep under their belts so anyone who complains will be "taken care of" in a sense...basically fired.
I really wish I could do something about that. The UPS Code of Business Conduct is laughable when I hear about what's going on there. Kris tried to get Tuesday off (she has to go in at 2:30am everyday), got it off from one boss, then the other took it away...that was one of the things...
She was so stressed that she sort of took it out on me, being a little short and mean, and just being a downer. That made me upset, so we didn't talk. We stayed in seperate rooms for the entire day.
But we finally decided to end it bc we were the only ones that could make each other happy.
Now, I'm stuck in the house, feeling useless. I wished I had all these friends sending me get well cards and all that...but I am just sensitive. For some reason, I have this need to be liked. I guess it gets to me bc I am nice to everyone. There was this one guy who is a wonderful artist that asked me once about a class we were in together, and used the professor's first name. I only knew this person by her last name, so I kept insisting that i wasn't in that class. Ever since then, he has not spoken to me. No big loss, but it seemed like if you were not in good with him at the art school, you were an outcast. That's not the only reason I felt that way, but Its pretty bad when you feel like an outcast in art school!
Well, anyway, I am trying to work on my self confidence. Its kind of low right now. I am going to be teaching a class this summer and I feel like I need to appear to be confidant. Plus, self-assurance helps to not feel overwhelmed.
Feeling insecure is not a far-fetched concept for people like Kris, so I'm sure she feels for me. Its a feeling that can twist your insides and leave you feeling helpless.
I am sure that when Kris transitions, these insecurities will flare up to a record intensity, but there will also be things that happen during the transition that, of course, will help. Just like me having to face things that scare the shit out of me, like having to teach an entire class while not being incredibly forgetful and making a fool out of myself, loosing the respect of the students. But, I have to face this and not worry about it so much or it will happen. Just like when Kris decides to go out in public dress, I'm sure she is thinking that people will say something negative, which they probably will, but its how you react to the situation that determines how it turns out. If I can't remember words, stutter, and say something "stupid" while I am teaching, if I break down, the situation will be worse. I need to just laugh it off.
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