Made from Two
by Mery McNett
Written for Doody-Bear
There's a life that's made from two
With hands that hold, eyes that meet,
and minds that are beautifully construed.
A gorgeous soul that held out its hands
and lifted a powerless dismal creature
above the dark water and sinking sands.
Sacrificing an expected outcome of life
has composed an alternative existence
with great hope, is worth the strife.
A day will come when you will be born again
and I will nourish and comfort this person
as I stand tall and protect you from pain.
Like our minds,
Our bodies will come from a similar mold
A blissfully warped circumstance
contrasting with the amiss values that others uphold.
Our life has turned different from where we started
and the running and approaching hours and times
ensures that our hands will never be parted.
Our smiles are always genuine, our laughs always true,
we fit together with our likeness and unlikeness
You with your smarts, and my child's point of view.
We have created a connection that others do not possess
with thoughts and hopes and dreams fully expressed.
This gorgeous love, this heart you had to undo
this smile, this laugh.
This life that's made from two.
My Etsy Shop
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Gender assumptions
Its seems that in 99.9% of societies around the world, the roles of gender are precise and divided.
But really, it has developed naturally throughout time.
Also, we associate a person with a specific gender by the way they look and by what we know.
I think some people who have transitioned or are at another point in their transition, like when people do not know about their history, because they can be totally gendered at their desired sex.
What I cannot comprehend though, is when people meet a fully transitioned person, and have no idea that they were, in their other life, the opposite sex. When they "find out" about their situation, they all of the sudden start using the wrong nouns.
Now, the only time I use the wrong nouns is if a person looks to be androgynous.
But if a person is obviously presenting as a certain sex....one should be courteous enough to address them as such.
(I make exceptions of course for people like Kris, whom I know is female, but presents as male bc of not starting the transition process yet. That is, if I know of their situation).
I do not want to act like I am this wonderful person who does everything right, but the women and men I know that have transitioned, and some who have not....I think of them as FEMALE or MALE (the sex they are in their souls). I have never looked at them and saw a male, no matter what I know of their past. I do not gender them as male, just because I knew that they were born with a penis or vagina.
If you are reading this from the group...and I have all of you in mind when I am writing this...I want to let you know that you all are so beautiful, inside and out. I do not define you as transgendered, just as people. I know that NOBODY wants to be labeled.
I have NEVER felt more accepted in a group...
It weird, but I have never felt more out of place than in a group of artists (usually around my same age).
But the Wed. group has been a group of people that I can confide in because of their level of understand of what it feels like to be rejected and shunned by others.
Love all of you!
But really, it has developed naturally throughout time.
Also, we associate a person with a specific gender by the way they look and by what we know.
I think some people who have transitioned or are at another point in their transition, like when people do not know about their history, because they can be totally gendered at their desired sex.
What I cannot comprehend though, is when people meet a fully transitioned person, and have no idea that they were, in their other life, the opposite sex. When they "find out" about their situation, they all of the sudden start using the wrong nouns.
Now, the only time I use the wrong nouns is if a person looks to be androgynous.
But if a person is obviously presenting as a certain sex....one should be courteous enough to address them as such.
(I make exceptions of course for people like Kris, whom I know is female, but presents as male bc of not starting the transition process yet. That is, if I know of their situation).
I do not want to act like I am this wonderful person who does everything right, but the women and men I know that have transitioned, and some who have not....I think of them as FEMALE or MALE (the sex they are in their souls). I have never looked at them and saw a male, no matter what I know of their past. I do not gender them as male, just because I knew that they were born with a penis or vagina.
If you are reading this from the group...and I have all of you in mind when I am writing this...I want to let you know that you all are so beautiful, inside and out. I do not define you as transgendered, just as people. I know that NOBODY wants to be labeled.
I have NEVER felt more accepted in a group...
It weird, but I have never felt more out of place than in a group of artists (usually around my same age).
But the Wed. group has been a group of people that I can confide in because of their level of understand of what it feels like to be rejected and shunned by others.
Love all of you!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Stick in the mud
I'm getting kind of worried about my short-term memory. This weekend, I lost my phone, then I hit my car to where it leaks oil (didn't notice that the place I was pulling out of was so steep), then I forgot my keys for a place when I was going downtown. This is just the last on a very long list of things that have been happening to me lately and its starting to ware me down, as well as Kris. It isn't cute anymore.
Any trust that Kris had that I could handle things was gone down the shitter and any inkling I had that I could have the confidence of an adult is dwendling away...
Right now, I feel down in the dumps, worried about how I can afford to fix my car, blah blah...
Well, I'm done being a stick in the mud for now :)
Any trust that Kris had that I could handle things was gone down the shitter and any inkling I had that I could have the confidence of an adult is dwendling away...
Right now, I feel down in the dumps, worried about how I can afford to fix my car, blah blah...
Well, I'm done being a stick in the mud for now :)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Summer Cold
Feeling a little shut in right now. I miss having my mom take care of of when I am sick :( But Kris has been doing the best she can, with the hours that she has to work. I've been inside for the past 2 days, ugh. Worse yet, I feel this overwhelming need to be loved on right now....that's what happens when you have a mom that took really good cafre of you when you were sick!
Kris and I were having an actual fight this weekend. One of only about 2 or 3 that we've had in the past 8 years. Luckily, our fights consist of not speaking to each other and being stubborn, so we didn't say anything we'd regret. On her side, she was feeling angry at the lack of control she has over her life. She works 2 jobs, all for me. I have a hard time being an actual human being and getting a job that I don't care for, so she lets me work at Living Arts for odd jobs.
Anyway, at her job at UPS, the management is trying to get rid of the high paid people by making their jobs unbearable. They are also lying and cheating, even having the HR rep under their belts so anyone who complains will be "taken care of" in a sense...basically fired.
I really wish I could do something about that. The UPS Code of Business Conduct is laughable when I hear about what's going on there. Kris tried to get Tuesday off (she has to go in at 2:30am everyday), got it off from one boss, then the other took it away...that was one of the things...
She was so stressed that she sort of took it out on me, being a little short and mean, and just being a downer. That made me upset, so we didn't talk. We stayed in seperate rooms for the entire day.
But we finally decided to end it bc we were the only ones that could make each other happy.
Now, I'm stuck in the house, feeling useless. I wished I had all these friends sending me get well cards and all that...but I am just sensitive. For some reason, I have this need to be liked. I guess it gets to me bc I am nice to everyone. There was this one guy who is a wonderful artist that asked me once about a class we were in together, and used the professor's first name. I only knew this person by her last name, so I kept insisting that i wasn't in that class. Ever since then, he has not spoken to me. No big loss, but it seemed like if you were not in good with him at the art school, you were an outcast. That's not the only reason I felt that way, but Its pretty bad when you feel like an outcast in art school!
Well, anyway, I am trying to work on my self confidence. Its kind of low right now. I am going to be teaching a class this summer and I feel like I need to appear to be confidant. Plus, self-assurance helps to not feel overwhelmed.
Feeling insecure is not a far-fetched concept for people like Kris, so I'm sure she feels for me. Its a feeling that can twist your insides and leave you feeling helpless.
I am sure that when Kris transitions, these insecurities will flare up to a record intensity, but there will also be things that happen during the transition that, of course, will help. Just like me having to face things that scare the shit out of me, like having to teach an entire class while not being incredibly forgetful and making a fool out of myself, loosing the respect of the students. But, I have to face this and not worry about it so much or it will happen. Just like when Kris decides to go out in public dress, I'm sure she is thinking that people will say something negative, which they probably will, but its how you react to the situation that determines how it turns out. If I can't remember words, stutter, and say something "stupid" while I am teaching, if I break down, the situation will be worse. I need to just laugh it off.
Kris and I were having an actual fight this weekend. One of only about 2 or 3 that we've had in the past 8 years. Luckily, our fights consist of not speaking to each other and being stubborn, so we didn't say anything we'd regret. On her side, she was feeling angry at the lack of control she has over her life. She works 2 jobs, all for me. I have a hard time being an actual human being and getting a job that I don't care for, so she lets me work at Living Arts for odd jobs.
Anyway, at her job at UPS, the management is trying to get rid of the high paid people by making their jobs unbearable. They are also lying and cheating, even having the HR rep under their belts so anyone who complains will be "taken care of" in a sense...basically fired.
I really wish I could do something about that. The UPS Code of Business Conduct is laughable when I hear about what's going on there. Kris tried to get Tuesday off (she has to go in at 2:30am everyday), got it off from one boss, then the other took it away...that was one of the things...
She was so stressed that she sort of took it out on me, being a little short and mean, and just being a downer. That made me upset, so we didn't talk. We stayed in seperate rooms for the entire day.
But we finally decided to end it bc we were the only ones that could make each other happy.
Now, I'm stuck in the house, feeling useless. I wished I had all these friends sending me get well cards and all that...but I am just sensitive. For some reason, I have this need to be liked. I guess it gets to me bc I am nice to everyone. There was this one guy who is a wonderful artist that asked me once about a class we were in together, and used the professor's first name. I only knew this person by her last name, so I kept insisting that i wasn't in that class. Ever since then, he has not spoken to me. No big loss, but it seemed like if you were not in good with him at the art school, you were an outcast. That's not the only reason I felt that way, but Its pretty bad when you feel like an outcast in art school!
Well, anyway, I am trying to work on my self confidence. Its kind of low right now. I am going to be teaching a class this summer and I feel like I need to appear to be confidant. Plus, self-assurance helps to not feel overwhelmed.
Feeling insecure is not a far-fetched concept for people like Kris, so I'm sure she feels for me. Its a feeling that can twist your insides and leave you feeling helpless.
I am sure that when Kris transitions, these insecurities will flare up to a record intensity, but there will also be things that happen during the transition that, of course, will help. Just like me having to face things that scare the shit out of me, like having to teach an entire class while not being incredibly forgetful and making a fool out of myself, loosing the respect of the students. But, I have to face this and not worry about it so much or it will happen. Just like when Kris decides to go out in public dress, I'm sure she is thinking that people will say something negative, which they probably will, but its how you react to the situation that determines how it turns out. If I can't remember words, stutter, and say something "stupid" while I am teaching, if I break down, the situation will be worse. I need to just laugh it off.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Maybe I'm Amazed
Okay, here is another attempt at writing my blog instead of posting links.
I am afraid of crossing the line of TMI (too much information) with this one. I am also embarassed to talk about this. But, I see it as information to be discussed.
Kris and I are very loving, we get along very well, laugh together and basically have a great time. But there is one problem. Since we have been married in October of 2010, we've had sex about 3-4 times. Yes, that is total.
Does it have to do with Kris being trans? I think it does. I have tried to accomidate a revised version of sex for Kris (so she feels like a woman, not a man). But, the frequency is still very low.
Don't get me wrong, I don't really crave it. I take Zoloft and one of side effects is decreased sex drive. But I do crave intimacy. I crave being wanted and feeling sexy. I think Kris is so concerned with her hang ups and not being able to have a sex life as a woman, that perhaps she sometimes forgets that there is another person involved.
Kris also does not like to be touched. I can cuddle up to her on the couch sometimes and give her a kiss, but that is at times as much as I get. When I try to hold her hand, she pulls it away. When I try to hug her, she puts to hands and my shoulders and tries to push.
I do not know how I do not feel more rejected than I do.
There is also no sign of Kris craving to be with a man. Believe me, I have looked for the signs, trying to cover my bases so there are no surprises, but she has never commented on a man's looks, I have never caught her eyeing a man, never found any Playgirl magazines stashed under her mattress. If she is attracted to men, she hides it better than a gay American man in the 1950's.
She mentions that she masterbates all the time, and that does make me feel a little rejection. I feel as if she has left it up to me to figure out what she wants and to do what she wants. I try to tell her that I need her to tell me and show me. But anyone who knows her very, very well, know that she if incredibly, INCREDIBLY stubborn! She just acts like I should know. I try, but I guess it is not good enough to involve me in her sex life.
Kris's stubborness, in all aspects of our lives, is something that I need to figure out how to put into words. I have been trying to figure it out for a while, but it is difficult. There are things like, if I decide to have a piece of her chocolate bar (or any of her food), she says that she doesn't want it anymore.
She has this incredible need to be the victor and to be right about everything. Sounds like I really am living with a woman.
I suppose I feel lucky in other areas enough for me to not feel like the is a huge void in my life with Kris.
It still must be something special, because when I listen to our song Maybe I'm Amazed by Paul McCartney, I think of her, with me in the role of Paul, and her in the role of Linda. Paul and Linda are my ultimate all-time favorite couple and I see a little bit of them in Kris and me. The way we are always together, how we are friends and buddies, and how I am amazed by her.
Maybe you're the only woman who can ever help me, baby won't you help me to understand
I am afraid of crossing the line of TMI (too much information) with this one. I am also embarassed to talk about this. But, I see it as information to be discussed.
Kris and I are very loving, we get along very well, laugh together and basically have a great time. But there is one problem. Since we have been married in October of 2010, we've had sex about 3-4 times. Yes, that is total.
Does it have to do with Kris being trans? I think it does. I have tried to accomidate a revised version of sex for Kris (so she feels like a woman, not a man). But, the frequency is still very low.
Don't get me wrong, I don't really crave it. I take Zoloft and one of side effects is decreased sex drive. But I do crave intimacy. I crave being wanted and feeling sexy. I think Kris is so concerned with her hang ups and not being able to have a sex life as a woman, that perhaps she sometimes forgets that there is another person involved.
Kris also does not like to be touched. I can cuddle up to her on the couch sometimes and give her a kiss, but that is at times as much as I get. When I try to hold her hand, she pulls it away. When I try to hug her, she puts to hands and my shoulders and tries to push.
I do not know how I do not feel more rejected than I do.
There is also no sign of Kris craving to be with a man. Believe me, I have looked for the signs, trying to cover my bases so there are no surprises, but she has never commented on a man's looks, I have never caught her eyeing a man, never found any Playgirl magazines stashed under her mattress. If she is attracted to men, she hides it better than a gay American man in the 1950's.
She mentions that she masterbates all the time, and that does make me feel a little rejection. I feel as if she has left it up to me to figure out what she wants and to do what she wants. I try to tell her that I need her to tell me and show me. But anyone who knows her very, very well, know that she if incredibly, INCREDIBLY stubborn! She just acts like I should know. I try, but I guess it is not good enough to involve me in her sex life.
Kris's stubborness, in all aspects of our lives, is something that I need to figure out how to put into words. I have been trying to figure it out for a while, but it is difficult. There are things like, if I decide to have a piece of her chocolate bar (or any of her food), she says that she doesn't want it anymore.
She has this incredible need to be the victor and to be right about everything. Sounds like I really am living with a woman.
I suppose I feel lucky in other areas enough for me to not feel like the is a huge void in my life with Kris.
It still must be something special, because when I listen to our song Maybe I'm Amazed by Paul McCartney, I think of her, with me in the role of Paul, and her in the role of Linda. Paul and Linda are my ultimate all-time favorite couple and I see a little bit of them in Kris and me. The way we are always together, how we are friends and buddies, and how I am amazed by her.
Maybe you're the only woman who can ever help me, baby won't you help me to understand
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Deuteronomy
This is very interesting...Here is the whole of Deuteronomy 22: 5-12 (NIV). Should 5 even be taken seriously when grouped with the others?
(5) A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.
(6) If you come across a bird's nest beside the road, either in a tree or on the ground, and the mother is sitting on the young or on the eggs, do not take the mother with the young.
(7) You may take the young, but be sure to let the mother go, so that all may go well with you and you may have a long life.
(8) When you build a new house, make a parapet around your roof so that you may not bring the guilt of bloodshed on your house if someone falls from the roof.
(9) Do not plant two kinds of seed in your vineyard; if you do, not only the crops you plant but also the fruit of the vineyard will be defiled.
(10) Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together.
(11) Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together.
(12) Make tassels on the four corners of the cloak you wear.
So, I better not go to the store and buy chicken and eggs together....plant tomatoes and spinach in a garden which I should not plow with a donkey and an ox...and oh yea...I shouldn't wear pants.
(5) A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.
(6) If you come across a bird's nest beside the road, either in a tree or on the ground, and the mother is sitting on the young or on the eggs, do not take the mother with the young.
(7) You may take the young, but be sure to let the mother go, so that all may go well with you and you may have a long life.
(8) When you build a new house, make a parapet around your roof so that you may not bring the guilt of bloodshed on your house if someone falls from the roof.
(9) Do not plant two kinds of seed in your vineyard; if you do, not only the crops you plant but also the fruit of the vineyard will be defiled.
(10) Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together.
(11) Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together.
(12) Make tassels on the four corners of the cloak you wear.
So, I better not go to the store and buy chicken and eggs together....plant tomatoes and spinach in a garden which I should not plow with a donkey and an ox...and oh yea...I shouldn't wear pants.
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