I noticed that I put more links on this blog than I do talking about my own experience. I am going to try to do more writing.
I love Kris with all my heart. We are best friends. We laugh and cry together and enjoy each other's company very much. We have been together for 8 years and we still try to be together as much as possible.
When I make a list of the cons and pros of being with Kris, the pros definitely outweigh the cons (as of now, Kris has not begun to transition). But, even if the cons start to catch up and every out number the pros, I will always love and be dedicated to Kris.
Some of the pros are that I really don't get jealous when Kris notices a woman. It would be unfounded if I were to get upset about it, because she is not lusting sexually after the woman's body. Instead of saying , "I'd do her", she always says, "I'd be her". I know that she is only lusting after the thought of having a body like the woman.
Kris has a few female friends that she talks to often, and I do not give it a second thought. Kris is only intermingling with people of her same gender (remember, gender is mental, not physical).
I always joke that if Kris is only putting on a front so that she can cheat on me, it is one of the greatest hoaxes of human history.
Another 'pro' on my list is that Kris is interested in makeup, girl clothing, and basically, all things girly. I consider myself to be a bit of a tomboy, but not so much that I do not enjoy clothes and makeup shopping. We share clothes (even though she does not go out of the house fully dressed) and makeup.
I can talk about fashion and girly things with her spacing out like a guy would. Also, I can also put as much pink in the house as I want!
Also, Kris does not have a craving to watch football and hang out with "the guys" and be all macho. She would rather spend her time with me. Almost every moment that we are both off of work, we spend together, which is nice because as I mentioned before, I enjoy her company.
In a weird way, Kris's situation has also made up very close. We bother have certain things "wrong" (not wrong, but for lack of a better word at the moment) with us, me having a slight case of Asperger's syndrome and ADD. There are some studies about some links between Asperger's and Trans people, but all I can speak of is the experiences we share.
I seem to identify with some of the situations and thoughts of trans people. Like embarrassment and misunderstanding of our situation, feeling isolated, unliked, and misunderstood by society. Kris had to hide her situation, I tried to hide to fact that i lived in my own world. I was embarrassed by the fact that I had this pretend world that for a while, I spent most of my time in. I still have a pretend world that I escape to, as do we all.
The cons are obvious and will only grow when Kris starts to transition.
One 'con' is that she becomes depressed at times and it effects my mood. I have a problem with depression but it has been much better for the past 2 years. But I seem to feel what Kris feels. If Kris is depressed, I am as well. Also, when she gets that way, she tends to take it out on me. Not in an abusive way, but in a way that it effects our day, like being unnecessarily stubborn and getting easily annoyed by things. That's one thing I cannot stand: Kris, especially when she is depressed or tired, throws any kind of patience she has out the window and becomes overly annoyed by things.
I think that I have a sensitivity to that, because as a child, when my parents acted that way, it meant i was in trouble (my childhood is a different story. Parents with the best of intentions, but with skewed views).
Sometimes I cannot wait to see how Kris will be when she is a woman. I believe that she will be in a better mood more often. I don't think with will completely change, I am not kidding myself about that, but I am looking forward to seeing her happy. Kris is actually more happy than I would expect her to be in her situation though.
Another con is fear; fear of many things. Will the hormones completely change who she is attracted to? Will she like men or women? Will she be safe when she is transitioning (and after)? Will she be harmed? I am not so concerned for myself, just her.
What kind of verbal abuse are we going to have to endure? Can I let it roll off my shoulders? Right now, I cannot. I need to work on that. I get upset when someone is intolerant of others, very upset.
Will she get used to that fact that she will be a tall woman and for that reason, may not easily pass? That is the main reason Kris was not transitioned yet:she is about 6'8". She feels as if she will be a "beast". I try to let her know that its all or nothing. Transition and he a tall woman, or don't and be miserable as a man.
I am concerned about when friends and family I will loose as well. I know that I will loose some and gain some, but it is something that is in the back of my mind. There's always that saying, "if they don't support you, you don't need them anyway", but when it comes to family, of course it still hurts. But it will ALWAYS be Kris over them.
Well, I'm going to end this now and continue later. But I want to end this post on a positive note.
Think about why you love the people you do. I bet that much more often than not, it is because of who they are on the inside, not outside. Real, caring, and true love between friends, family, and spouses is NOT conditional. If you blame a person for choosing something like transitioning over you, think about how much YOU mean to them...transitioning must be extremely important. If you love a person that is transitioning but you have pushed them away, think about if they didn't transition. More often than not, that person would probably not be on this earth for very long, or they will not be full and happy. Embrace the ones you love and support them, even if you do not understand.
I love you Kris.
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