Okay, here is another attempt at writing my blog instead of posting links.
I am afraid of crossing the line of TMI (too much information) with this one. I am also embarassed to talk about this. But, I see it as information to be discussed.
Kris and I are very loving, we get along very well, laugh together and basically have a great time. But there is one problem. Since we have been married in October of 2010, we've had sex about 3-4 times. Yes, that is total.
Does it have to do with Kris being trans? I think it does. I have tried to accomidate a revised version of sex for Kris (so she feels like a woman, not a man). But, the frequency is still very low.
Don't get me wrong, I don't really crave it. I take Zoloft and one of side effects is decreased sex drive. But I do crave intimacy. I crave being wanted and feeling sexy. I think Kris is so concerned with her hang ups and not being able to have a sex life as a woman, that perhaps she sometimes forgets that there is another person involved.
Kris also does not like to be touched. I can cuddle up to her on the couch sometimes and give her a kiss, but that is at times as much as I get. When I try to hold her hand, she pulls it away. When I try to hug her, she puts to hands and my shoulders and tries to push.
I do not know how I do not feel more rejected than I do.
There is also no sign of Kris craving to be with a man. Believe me, I have looked for the signs, trying to cover my bases so there are no surprises, but she has never commented on a man's looks, I have never caught her eyeing a man, never found any Playgirl magazines stashed under her mattress. If she is attracted to men, she hides it better than a gay American man in the 1950's.
She mentions that she masterbates all the time, and that does make me feel a little rejection. I feel as if she has left it up to me to figure out what she wants and to do what she wants. I try to tell her that I need her to tell me and show me. But anyone who knows her very, very well, know that she if incredibly, INCREDIBLY stubborn! She just acts like I should know. I try, but I guess it is not good enough to involve me in her sex life.
Kris's stubborness, in all aspects of our lives, is something that I need to figure out how to put into words. I have been trying to figure it out for a while, but it is difficult. There are things like, if I decide to have a piece of her chocolate bar (or any of her food), she says that she doesn't want it anymore.
She has this incredible need to be the victor and to be right about everything. Sounds like I really am living with a woman.
I suppose I feel lucky in other areas enough for me to not feel like the is a huge void in my life with Kris.
It still must be something special, because when I listen to our song Maybe I'm Amazed by Paul McCartney, I think of her, with me in the role of Paul, and her in the role of Linda. Paul and Linda are my ultimate all-time favorite couple and I see a little bit of them in Kris and me. The way we are always together, how we are friends and buddies, and how I am amazed by her.
Maybe you're the only woman who can ever help me, baby won't you help me to understand
My Etsy Shop
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Deuteronomy
This is very interesting...Here is the whole of Deuteronomy 22: 5-12 (NIV). Should 5 even be taken seriously when grouped with the others?
(5) A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.
(6) If you come across a bird's nest beside the road, either in a tree or on the ground, and the mother is sitting on the young or on the eggs, do not take the mother with the young.
(7) You may take the young, but be sure to let the mother go, so that all may go well with you and you may have a long life.
(8) When you build a new house, make a parapet around your roof so that you may not bring the guilt of bloodshed on your house if someone falls from the roof.
(9) Do not plant two kinds of seed in your vineyard; if you do, not only the crops you plant but also the fruit of the vineyard will be defiled.
(10) Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together.
(11) Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together.
(12) Make tassels on the four corners of the cloak you wear.
So, I better not go to the store and buy chicken and eggs together....plant tomatoes and spinach in a garden which I should not plow with a donkey and an ox...and oh yea...I shouldn't wear pants.
(5) A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.
(6) If you come across a bird's nest beside the road, either in a tree or on the ground, and the mother is sitting on the young or on the eggs, do not take the mother with the young.
(7) You may take the young, but be sure to let the mother go, so that all may go well with you and you may have a long life.
(8) When you build a new house, make a parapet around your roof so that you may not bring the guilt of bloodshed on your house if someone falls from the roof.
(9) Do not plant two kinds of seed in your vineyard; if you do, not only the crops you plant but also the fruit of the vineyard will be defiled.
(10) Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together.
(11) Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together.
(12) Make tassels on the four corners of the cloak you wear.
So, I better not go to the store and buy chicken and eggs together....plant tomatoes and spinach in a garden which I should not plow with a donkey and an ox...and oh yea...I shouldn't wear pants.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Transgender People and Marriage: The Importance of Legal Planning
This is from the blog "eTransgender". I found it to be very interesting...the rest of the blog is very interesting as well. http://www.etransgender.com/2011/03/transgender-marriage.html
Developed by Shannon Minter, senior staff attorney for the National Center for Lesbian Rights.
"Transgender people face unique legal issues with regard to marriage. Although marriage is not yet a legal option for gay or lesbian people in any state, it is already an option -- and a reality -- for many who are transgender. This article summarizes the legal issues surrounding marriage for transgender people and suggests some ways that transgender people can protect their marital relationships.
A very real option
Some people are aware that transgender individuals are often able to enter into a heterosexual marriage after undergoing sex-reassignment. What may be less well-known, however, is that a transgender person may also be married to a person of the same sex. That situation arises, for example, when one of the spouses in a heterosexual marriage comes out as transsexual and transitions within the marriage. If the couple chooses to stay together, as many do, the result is a legal marriage in which both spouses are male or female. Alternatively, in states that do not allow a transgender person to change his or her legal sex, some transgender people have been able to marry a person of the same sex. To all outward appearances and to the couple themselves, the marriage is a same-sex union. In the eyes of the law, however, it is a different-sex marriage because technically speaking, the law continues to view the transgender spouse as a legal member of his or her birth sex even after sex-reassignment. In short, marriage is a very real option for a variety of transgender people in a variety of circumstances.
Two contrasting cases
In practice, however, the legal validity of marriages involving a transgender spouse is not yet firmly established in the great majority of states. In 1999, for example, an appellate court in Texas invalidated a seven-year marriage between Christine Littleton, a transgender woman, and her deceased husband. The case arose when Ms. Littleton brought a wrongful death suit seeking damages for her husband's death as a result of alleged medical malpractice. Rather than ruling on the merits of Ms. Littleton's suit, the court held that a person's legal sex is genetically fixed at birth and that Ms. Littleton should be deemed to be legally male, despite her female anatomy and appearance, and despite the fact that she had lived as a woman for most of her adult life. As a result of that decision, Ms. Littleton was denied all of the rights afforded to a legal spouse -- not only the right to bring a wrongful death suit, but the right to intestate inheritance (or inheritance without a will), to obtain her deceased husband's Social Security and retirement benefits, and many others as well.
In contrast, in 1997, a trial court in Orange County, Calif.., affirmed the validity of a marriage involving a transgender man. The case arose when the wife sought to invalidate the marriage in order to deprive her husband of his parental rights vis-a-vis the couple's child, who was born through alternative insemination. The trial court rejected the wife's argument that the transgender husband should be considered legally female and refused to nullify the marriage. The court held that California law recognizes the post-operative sex of a transsexual person for all legal purposes, including marriage. Notably, however, if the court had ruled differently, or if the transgender spouse had not undergone extensive and expensive sex reassignments surgeries prior to the marriage, it is likely that he would have lost any right to maintain a relationship with his child.
Still the need to protect yourself
As these and other similar cases make clear, it is critical that transgender people who are married become aware of their potential legal vulnerability and take steps to protect themselves as much as possible. As an initial matter, transgender people who are married should certainly act accordingly and should not hesitate to exercise their rights as legal spouses, whether that be the right to file married tax returns, the right to apply for spousal benefits or the right to have or adopt children as a married couple. At the same time, however, it is also important to create a safety net in the event that the validity of the marriage is challenged.
Although there are many benefits and protections that arise exclusively through marriage and cannot be duplicated through any other means, there are also some basic protections that can be safeguarded and secured through privately executed documents and agreements. At a minimum, a transgender person who is married should have:
(1) A last will and testament for both spouses;
(2) Financial and medical powers of attorney in which each spouse designates either the other spouse or another trusted person to be his or her legal agent in the event of incapacitation; and
(3) A written personal relationship agreement including a detailed account of each spouse's rights and responsibilities with regard to finances, property, support, children and any other issues that are important to the couple.
The agreement should also include an acknowledgment that the non-transgender partner is aware that his or her spouse is transgender to avoid any later claims of fraud or deception. Ideally, the couple should draft those documents with assistance from an attorney and supplement them with any other legal planning documents that are appropriate for their specific circumstances.
With those basic documents in place, transgender people who are married can at least ensure that the spouses can inherit each other's estates and retain control over their own financial and medical decisions, even if the validity of the marriage is challenged. In many cases, the safety net created by extra legal planning will never have to be used. In others, the presence of that extra protection will shelter the transgender person and his or her spouse from devastating emotional trauma and financial
Developed by Shannon Minter, senior staff attorney for the National Center for Lesbian Rights.
"Transgender people face unique legal issues with regard to marriage. Although marriage is not yet a legal option for gay or lesbian people in any state, it is already an option -- and a reality -- for many who are transgender. This article summarizes the legal issues surrounding marriage for transgender people and suggests some ways that transgender people can protect their marital relationships.
A very real option
Some people are aware that transgender individuals are often able to enter into a heterosexual marriage after undergoing sex-reassignment. What may be less well-known, however, is that a transgender person may also be married to a person of the same sex. That situation arises, for example, when one of the spouses in a heterosexual marriage comes out as transsexual and transitions within the marriage. If the couple chooses to stay together, as many do, the result is a legal marriage in which both spouses are male or female. Alternatively, in states that do not allow a transgender person to change his or her legal sex, some transgender people have been able to marry a person of the same sex. To all outward appearances and to the couple themselves, the marriage is a same-sex union. In the eyes of the law, however, it is a different-sex marriage because technically speaking, the law continues to view the transgender spouse as a legal member of his or her birth sex even after sex-reassignment. In short, marriage is a very real option for a variety of transgender people in a variety of circumstances.
Two contrasting cases
In practice, however, the legal validity of marriages involving a transgender spouse is not yet firmly established in the great majority of states. In 1999, for example, an appellate court in Texas invalidated a seven-year marriage between Christine Littleton, a transgender woman, and her deceased husband. The case arose when Ms. Littleton brought a wrongful death suit seeking damages for her husband's death as a result of alleged medical malpractice. Rather than ruling on the merits of Ms. Littleton's suit, the court held that a person's legal sex is genetically fixed at birth and that Ms. Littleton should be deemed to be legally male, despite her female anatomy and appearance, and despite the fact that she had lived as a woman for most of her adult life. As a result of that decision, Ms. Littleton was denied all of the rights afforded to a legal spouse -- not only the right to bring a wrongful death suit, but the right to intestate inheritance (or inheritance without a will), to obtain her deceased husband's Social Security and retirement benefits, and many others as well.
In contrast, in 1997, a trial court in Orange County, Calif.., affirmed the validity of a marriage involving a transgender man. The case arose when the wife sought to invalidate the marriage in order to deprive her husband of his parental rights vis-a-vis the couple's child, who was born through alternative insemination. The trial court rejected the wife's argument that the transgender husband should be considered legally female and refused to nullify the marriage. The court held that California law recognizes the post-operative sex of a transsexual person for all legal purposes, including marriage. Notably, however, if the court had ruled differently, or if the transgender spouse had not undergone extensive and expensive sex reassignments surgeries prior to the marriage, it is likely that he would have lost any right to maintain a relationship with his child.
Still the need to protect yourself
As these and other similar cases make clear, it is critical that transgender people who are married become aware of their potential legal vulnerability and take steps to protect themselves as much as possible. As an initial matter, transgender people who are married should certainly act accordingly and should not hesitate to exercise their rights as legal spouses, whether that be the right to file married tax returns, the right to apply for spousal benefits or the right to have or adopt children as a married couple. At the same time, however, it is also important to create a safety net in the event that the validity of the marriage is challenged.
Although there are many benefits and protections that arise exclusively through marriage and cannot be duplicated through any other means, there are also some basic protections that can be safeguarded and secured through privately executed documents and agreements. At a minimum, a transgender person who is married should have:
(1) A last will and testament for both spouses;
(2) Financial and medical powers of attorney in which each spouse designates either the other spouse or another trusted person to be his or her legal agent in the event of incapacitation; and
(3) A written personal relationship agreement including a detailed account of each spouse's rights and responsibilities with regard to finances, property, support, children and any other issues that are important to the couple.
The agreement should also include an acknowledgment that the non-transgender partner is aware that his or her spouse is transgender to avoid any later claims of fraud or deception. Ideally, the couple should draft those documents with assistance from an attorney and supplement them with any other legal planning documents that are appropriate for their specific circumstances.
With those basic documents in place, transgender people who are married can at least ensure that the spouses can inherit each other's estates and retain control over their own financial and medical decisions, even if the validity of the marriage is challenged. In many cases, the safety net created by extra legal planning will never have to be used. In others, the presence of that extra protection will shelter the transgender person and his or her spouse from devastating emotional trauma and financial
My experience and observations on being married to a transgendered person, Part I
I noticed that I put more links on this blog than I do talking about my own experience. I am going to try to do more writing.
I love Kris with all my heart. We are best friends. We laugh and cry together and enjoy each other's company very much. We have been together for 8 years and we still try to be together as much as possible.
When I make a list of the cons and pros of being with Kris, the pros definitely outweigh the cons (as of now, Kris has not begun to transition). But, even if the cons start to catch up and every out number the pros, I will always love and be dedicated to Kris.
Some of the pros are that I really don't get jealous when Kris notices a woman. It would be unfounded if I were to get upset about it, because she is not lusting sexually after the woman's body. Instead of saying , "I'd do her", she always says, "I'd be her". I know that she is only lusting after the thought of having a body like the woman.
Kris has a few female friends that she talks to often, and I do not give it a second thought. Kris is only intermingling with people of her same gender (remember, gender is mental, not physical).
I always joke that if Kris is only putting on a front so that she can cheat on me, it is one of the greatest hoaxes of human history.
Another 'pro' on my list is that Kris is interested in makeup, girl clothing, and basically, all things girly. I consider myself to be a bit of a tomboy, but not so much that I do not enjoy clothes and makeup shopping. We share clothes (even though she does not go out of the house fully dressed) and makeup.
I can talk about fashion and girly things with her spacing out like a guy would. Also, I can also put as much pink in the house as I want!
Also, Kris does not have a craving to watch football and hang out with "the guys" and be all macho. She would rather spend her time with me. Almost every moment that we are both off of work, we spend together, which is nice because as I mentioned before, I enjoy her company.
In a weird way, Kris's situation has also made up very close. We bother have certain things "wrong" (not wrong, but for lack of a better word at the moment) with us, me having a slight case of Asperger's syndrome and ADD. There are some studies about some links between Asperger's and Trans people, but all I can speak of is the experiences we share.
I seem to identify with some of the situations and thoughts of trans people. Like embarrassment and misunderstanding of our situation, feeling isolated, unliked, and misunderstood by society. Kris had to hide her situation, I tried to hide to fact that i lived in my own world. I was embarrassed by the fact that I had this pretend world that for a while, I spent most of my time in. I still have a pretend world that I escape to, as do we all.
The cons are obvious and will only grow when Kris starts to transition.
One 'con' is that she becomes depressed at times and it effects my mood. I have a problem with depression but it has been much better for the past 2 years. But I seem to feel what Kris feels. If Kris is depressed, I am as well. Also, when she gets that way, she tends to take it out on me. Not in an abusive way, but in a way that it effects our day, like being unnecessarily stubborn and getting easily annoyed by things. That's one thing I cannot stand: Kris, especially when she is depressed or tired, throws any kind of patience she has out the window and becomes overly annoyed by things.
I think that I have a sensitivity to that, because as a child, when my parents acted that way, it meant i was in trouble (my childhood is a different story. Parents with the best of intentions, but with skewed views).
Sometimes I cannot wait to see how Kris will be when she is a woman. I believe that she will be in a better mood more often. I don't think with will completely change, I am not kidding myself about that, but I am looking forward to seeing her happy. Kris is actually more happy than I would expect her to be in her situation though.
Another con is fear; fear of many things. Will the hormones completely change who she is attracted to? Will she like men or women? Will she be safe when she is transitioning (and after)? Will she be harmed? I am not so concerned for myself, just her.
What kind of verbal abuse are we going to have to endure? Can I let it roll off my shoulders? Right now, I cannot. I need to work on that. I get upset when someone is intolerant of others, very upset.
Will she get used to that fact that she will be a tall woman and for that reason, may not easily pass? That is the main reason Kris was not transitioned yet:she is about 6'8". She feels as if she will be a "beast". I try to let her know that its all or nothing. Transition and he a tall woman, or don't and be miserable as a man.
I am concerned about when friends and family I will loose as well. I know that I will loose some and gain some, but it is something that is in the back of my mind. There's always that saying, "if they don't support you, you don't need them anyway", but when it comes to family, of course it still hurts. But it will ALWAYS be Kris over them.
Well, I'm going to end this now and continue later. But I want to end this post on a positive note.
Think about why you love the people you do. I bet that much more often than not, it is because of who they are on the inside, not outside. Real, caring, and true love between friends, family, and spouses is NOT conditional. If you blame a person for choosing something like transitioning over you, think about how much YOU mean to them...transitioning must be extremely important. If you love a person that is transitioning but you have pushed them away, think about if they didn't transition. More often than not, that person would probably not be on this earth for very long, or they will not be full and happy. Embrace the ones you love and support them, even if you do not understand.
I love you Kris.
I love Kris with all my heart. We are best friends. We laugh and cry together and enjoy each other's company very much. We have been together for 8 years and we still try to be together as much as possible.
When I make a list of the cons and pros of being with Kris, the pros definitely outweigh the cons (as of now, Kris has not begun to transition). But, even if the cons start to catch up and every out number the pros, I will always love and be dedicated to Kris.
Some of the pros are that I really don't get jealous when Kris notices a woman. It would be unfounded if I were to get upset about it, because she is not lusting sexually after the woman's body. Instead of saying , "I'd do her", she always says, "I'd be her". I know that she is only lusting after the thought of having a body like the woman.
Kris has a few female friends that she talks to often, and I do not give it a second thought. Kris is only intermingling with people of her same gender (remember, gender is mental, not physical).
I always joke that if Kris is only putting on a front so that she can cheat on me, it is one of the greatest hoaxes of human history.
Another 'pro' on my list is that Kris is interested in makeup, girl clothing, and basically, all things girly. I consider myself to be a bit of a tomboy, but not so much that I do not enjoy clothes and makeup shopping. We share clothes (even though she does not go out of the house fully dressed) and makeup.
I can talk about fashion and girly things with her spacing out like a guy would. Also, I can also put as much pink in the house as I want!
Also, Kris does not have a craving to watch football and hang out with "the guys" and be all macho. She would rather spend her time with me. Almost every moment that we are both off of work, we spend together, which is nice because as I mentioned before, I enjoy her company.
In a weird way, Kris's situation has also made up very close. We bother have certain things "wrong" (not wrong, but for lack of a better word at the moment) with us, me having a slight case of Asperger's syndrome and ADD. There are some studies about some links between Asperger's and Trans people, but all I can speak of is the experiences we share.
I seem to identify with some of the situations and thoughts of trans people. Like embarrassment and misunderstanding of our situation, feeling isolated, unliked, and misunderstood by society. Kris had to hide her situation, I tried to hide to fact that i lived in my own world. I was embarrassed by the fact that I had this pretend world that for a while, I spent most of my time in. I still have a pretend world that I escape to, as do we all.
The cons are obvious and will only grow when Kris starts to transition.
One 'con' is that she becomes depressed at times and it effects my mood. I have a problem with depression but it has been much better for the past 2 years. But I seem to feel what Kris feels. If Kris is depressed, I am as well. Also, when she gets that way, she tends to take it out on me. Not in an abusive way, but in a way that it effects our day, like being unnecessarily stubborn and getting easily annoyed by things. That's one thing I cannot stand: Kris, especially when she is depressed or tired, throws any kind of patience she has out the window and becomes overly annoyed by things.
I think that I have a sensitivity to that, because as a child, when my parents acted that way, it meant i was in trouble (my childhood is a different story. Parents with the best of intentions, but with skewed views).
Sometimes I cannot wait to see how Kris will be when she is a woman. I believe that she will be in a better mood more often. I don't think with will completely change, I am not kidding myself about that, but I am looking forward to seeing her happy. Kris is actually more happy than I would expect her to be in her situation though.
Another con is fear; fear of many things. Will the hormones completely change who she is attracted to? Will she like men or women? Will she be safe when she is transitioning (and after)? Will she be harmed? I am not so concerned for myself, just her.
What kind of verbal abuse are we going to have to endure? Can I let it roll off my shoulders? Right now, I cannot. I need to work on that. I get upset when someone is intolerant of others, very upset.
Will she get used to that fact that she will be a tall woman and for that reason, may not easily pass? That is the main reason Kris was not transitioned yet:she is about 6'8". She feels as if she will be a "beast". I try to let her know that its all or nothing. Transition and he a tall woman, or don't and be miserable as a man.
I am concerned about when friends and family I will loose as well. I know that I will loose some and gain some, but it is something that is in the back of my mind. There's always that saying, "if they don't support you, you don't need them anyway", but when it comes to family, of course it still hurts. But it will ALWAYS be Kris over them.
Well, I'm going to end this now and continue later. But I want to end this post on a positive note.
Think about why you love the people you do. I bet that much more often than not, it is because of who they are on the inside, not outside. Real, caring, and true love between friends, family, and spouses is NOT conditional. If you blame a person for choosing something like transitioning over you, think about how much YOU mean to them...transitioning must be extremely important. If you love a person that is transitioning but you have pushed them away, think about if they didn't transition. More often than not, that person would probably not be on this earth for very long, or they will not be full and happy. Embrace the ones you love and support them, even if you do not understand.
I love you Kris.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Tulsa PRIDE 2011!
TULSA Pride is coming up soon! Wished I could have volunteered, but I an reopening my art show at the sametime...oh well, at least I will be there :)
I am so excited to get to be downtown and celebrate equality as well as promote it with everyone. Hope to see everyone there!:)
http://www.okeq.org/calendar-events/tulsa-pride-2011/
I am so excited to get to be downtown and celebrate equality as well as promote it with everyone. Hope to see everyone there!:)
http://www.okeq.org/calendar-events/tulsa-pride-2011/
Not Your Mom’s Trans 101
credit: http://tranarchism.com/2010/11/26/not-your-moms-trans-101/
Not Your Mom’s Trans 101
There is a huge problem with the way that people are taught about gender in this society. Children are indoctrinated early to believe that there are two sexes, corresponding with two genders, which are both immutable and non-voluntary and completely beyond our control. This worldview is called the gender binary, and it has no room in it for us.Trying to teach a new perspective to the victims of this extremely aggressive brainwashing can be daunting. In fact, the task can seem downright impossible. The temptation, therefore, is to “dumb things down” for the benefit of a cisgender audience. This situation has given rise to a set of oversimplifications collectively known as “Trans 101.” These rather absurd tropes, such as “blank trapped in a blank’s body” cause confusion among even well-meaning cis folks, feed internalized transphobia among us trans people, and provide endless straw-man fodder for transphobic ‘radical feminists,’ entitled cisgender academics, and other bigots.
Near the beginning of my transition, I myself taught “Trans 101” this way. Because I didn’t know any better. Because I had been taught to think of myself in terms of these same useless tropes, as an “FTM,” as a “female man,” as somebody who was “changing sexes.” Eventually, through a lot of intense discussions and a lot of tough love from people who were more knowledgeable, more radical, and more politically sophisticated than myself, I came to see things very differently.
I haven’t tried to teach Trans 101 since extracting my head from my rectum. But I think the time has come for me to tackle the problem of explaining and defining what it means to be transgender without resorting to cissexist language. It strikes me as I contemplate this task that Trans 101 is generally not only dumbed-down, but also declawed. There are truths that I must speak here that are incredibly threatening to a cissupremacist worldview, that attack its very foundations. But I for one am willing to do that. I am not here to make cis people comfortable or to reassure them that they are still the center of the gendered universe. In fact, I am totally fine with doing the opposite.
Without further ado, let’s begin.
GENDER ASSIGNED AT BIRTH
Let’s start at the beginning. A baby is born. The doctor says “It’s a boy” or “It’s a girl” based on the appearance of the child’s genitals. If the genitalia cannot be easily categorized according to binary standards– that is, if the child is intersex– the doctor makes a decision. Surgery is then generally performed on the unconsenting infant to render its body more socially acceptable.
Whether the baby is intersex or not, the child is then raised as whatever arbitrary gender the doctor saw fit to assign.
“Cisgender” is the term for people who have no issue with the gender that they were assigned at birth. For whatever reason, they are able to live somewhat comfortably within the gender in which they have been cast. No one really knows why so many people are capable of fitting into such arbitrary categories.
Transgender people cannot accept our assigned genders. We know ourselves to be something different than what we were told to be. We do not see the random gender scripts we were given by society as relevant to us. We know that there is a different way, a way of autonomy, self-creation, and self-definition, and that this is the way we must follow, because we can never be happy with the parameters that have been mandated for our behavior and our bodies.
THE BINARY
All cis people and many trans people are binary-identified. Given the options of “man” or “woman,” we who are binary-identified are able to be comfortable with one, even if it is the opposite of what we were assigned. For example, I am a man who was assigned to live as a woman, therefore I am a trans man. My father is a man who was assigned to live as a man, therefore he is a cis man. Both of us are binary identified, both men, even though he is cis and I am trans.
It is a mystery why so many people are comfortable being categorized in just one of two ways. Just as nobody knows why there are so many cis people, nobody knows why there are so many binary identified folks.
But there are many trans people who are neither male nor female. They cannot be categorized as “either/or.” These people may use terms for themselves like genderqueer, two-spirit, androgynous, agender, or neutrois. They often use gender-neutral pronouns such as “ze/hir/hirs” or “they/them/their/theirs.” They can be both male and female, or none of the above, multi-gender, genderless, or something else completely.
In typical trans 101 discussions, right now I would probably be explaining to you that “gender is a spectrum” and drawing a cute little line graph labeled “m” at one end and “f” at the other. But this would be fallacious, as well as total bullshit. Gender is not a line, it is a huge three-dimensional space too big to be bounded by the concepts of “male” and “female.” Being trans is not always about falling “in between” binary genders, and as often as not, it’s about being something too expansive for those ideas to have meaning at all.
SELF IDENTIFICATION
The language of self-identification is often used to describe trans people. “George identifies as a man.” “I respect Judy’s identification as a woman.” “Chris just told me that ze identifies as ‘genderqueer.’ Oh dear, that pronoun is going to take some getting used to.” An organization I know, in an effort to be trans friendly, as posted little signs on their bathroom doors, underneath the “MENS” and “WOMENS” signs that we know so well, saying “Self-identified men welcome” and “Self-identified women welcome” and “please be respectful of diversity.”
This co-opting of the language of self-identification is not only condescending, it completely missed the point.
Cis people seem to think that self-identification is only for trans folks. They don’t have to “identify” as men and women– they just ARE! Their gender isn’t “self-identified,” it’s “self-evident!”
What they fail to understand is that self identification is the only meaningful way to determine gender. Any other method is wholly dependent upon what that doctor said way back when we were still red, wrinkly, writhing, screaming newborn messes, completely unformed as individuals and without any identity at all to speak of, too bloody and scrunchy-faced to even be called cute. The fact is that cis people self-identify too– they just happen to agree with what the doctor said all those years ago. Anybody who answers the question of “are you a man?” or “are you a woman?” with “yes” has just self-identified.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “but what about bodies? What about genitals? What about chromosomes? What about hormones? What about SEX? Doesn’t that have any bearing on gender?”
Be patient, my darlings. I’ll get to that in just a moment.
BODIES
Almost every Trans 101 will contain the truism “Sex is between your legs, gender is between your ears.”
Gag.
Or they may say “Sex is physical, gender is socially constructed.”
This simply isn’t true.
Sex is no more an immutable binary than is gender. There are intersex people who are born with non-binary genitalia, as I have already mentioned. There are people with hormonal anomalies. In fact, hormone levels vary wildly within the categories of cis male and cis female. Chromosomes, too, vary. If you thought “XX” and “XY” were the only two possible combinations, you have some serious googling to do. In addition to variations like XXY, XXYY, or X, sometimes cis people find out that they are genetically the “opposite” of what they though they were– that is, a ‘typical’ cis man can be XX, a ‘normal’ cis woman can be XY.
The fact is that the concept of binary sex is based on the fallacious idea that multiple sex characteristics are immutable and must always go together, when in fact many of them can be changed, many erased, and many appear independently in different combinations. “Female” in sex binary terms means having breasts, having a vagina, having a womb, not having a lot of body hair, having a high-pitched voice, having lots of estrogen, having a period, having XX chromosomes. “Male” means having a penis, not having breasts, producing sperm, having body hair, having a deep voice, having lots of testosterone, having XY chromosomes. Yet it is possible to isolate, alter, and remove many of these traits. Many of these traits do not always appear together, and before puberty and after menopause, many of them do not apply.
And what about women who get hysterectomies? Or who have had mastectomies for reasons related to breast cancer? Are they not women?
What about a soldier whose dick gets blown off by a mine? Is he not a man?
The fallacies of binding identity to bodies, which are fragile, changeable things, subject to injury, mutilation, maiming, decay and ultimate destruction, should by now be clear.
Sex is as much a social construct as gender, as much subject to self identification, and besides all that, quite easy to modify. Surgical and hormonal techniques are only becoming more sophisticated. If there ever was a need to consider biology destiny, that time is surely past.
The entire concept of “sex” is simply a way of attaching something social– gender– to bodies. This being the case, I believe the most sensible way to look at the question of sex now is this: a male body is a body belonging to a male– that is, someone who identifies as male. A female body is a body belonging to a female– that is, someone who identifies as female. Genderqueer bodies belong to folks who are genderqueer, androgynous bodies belong to androgynes, and so forth, and so on.
This is why I question the value of phrases like “man in a woman’s body” or “male to female.” Who is to say we ever were the “opposite sex?” Personally I will never again describe myself as “born female.” I was born a trans male and my years of confusion were due to being forcefully and repeatedly told that I was something else. This body is not a woman’s. It is mine. Neither am I trapped in it.
None of what I say here is to minimize the necessity of surgery. Many trans people do experience body dysphoria. Many of us do seek hormones, surgery, and other body modifications. But the point is that, while such modifications may be necessary for our peace of mind, they are not necessary to make us “real men” or “real women” or “real” whatevers. We’re plenty real right now, thank you.
OPPRESSION
This brings us, I think, the most important topic of all, and the topic which is most commonly left out of any Trans 101: transphobia and cissexism and how to avoid them.
“Cissexism” can be defined as the system of oppression which considers cis people superior to trans people. Cissexism is believing that it is “natural” to be cis, that being trans is aberrant. Cissexism is holding the genders of trans people to more intense scrutiny than the genders of cis people. Cissexism is defining beauty and attractiveness based on how cis people look. Cissexism is prioritizing cis people’s comfort over trans people’s ability to survive. Cissexism is believing that cis people have more right to have jobs, go to school, date and have sex, make decisions about their bodies, wear the clothes they want, or use public restrooms than trans people do.
Transphobia is irrational fear and hatred of trans people. Transphobia is Silence Of The Lambs. Transphobia is referring to transgender surgery as self-mutilation. Transphobia is believing that trans people habitually “trick” or “fool” others into having sex with us. Transphobia is believing that we are out to rob you of your hetero-or-homosexuality. Transphobia is trans people being stared at, insulted, harassed, attacked, beaten, raped, and murdered for simply existing.
If you want to be a good ally, you need to start taking cissexism and transphobia seriously right now. That means getting our goddamn pronouns right and not expecting a cookie for it. That means learning our names. That means not asking invasive questions or telling us how well we “pass.” (Passing generally means “looking cis.” Not all of us want to look like you, thank you very much.) That means deleting the words “tranny” and “shemale” from your vocabulary. That means understanding the immense privilege you have in your legally recognized, socially approved, medically assigned gender.
That means realizing that this is just the beginning. and that you have a lot to learn. That means realizing that it would be intrusive and importunate to ask the nearest trans person to explain it all to you, as if they didn’t have better things to do. That means hitting the internet and doing all that you can to educate yourself. And once you’ve done all that, maybe you can call yourself an ally, that is, if you’re still genuinely willing to join us in the hard work of making the world a less shitty place to be trans.
This will be a work in progress. I expect to receive a lot of commentary on this piece. I expect that it will be edited and possibly revised almost beyond recognition. I am OK with that. As always, there is more work to do. Trans 101 is a huge deal. Revising the way that it is discussed and taught is not a task for just one person. It’s something the entire community must take on.
This is only a first step. But I still hope we learned something today.
Connecticut Legislature adds Transgender Protections to State’s Anti-Discrimination Laws
http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2011/06/connecticut-legislature-adds-transgender-protections-to-state%E2%80%99s-anti-discrimination-laws/
This post comes from Meghan Stabler, HRC Board of Directors.
Earlier this morning, at 12:26am, the Connecticut State Senate passed HB 6599: An Act Concerning Discrimination by a vote of 20-16. This was largely a party line vote, with two Democratic Senators voting against it. The bill was already passed by the State House 77-62. The bill now goes to the desk of Gov. Dan Malloy (D), who has said he will sign the landmark legislation.
Governor Malloy called it a “step forward in the fight for equal rights for all of Connecticut’s citizens and it’s the right thing to do.”
This crucial advancement in transgender rights follows on the footsteps of Hawaii and Nevada, where supportive legislatures, as well as Democratic and Republican Governors, recognized that a person should be judged on their merits and not on who they are. Upon signing, Connecticut will be the 15th U.S. state, along with the District of Columbia, to provide protections based on gender identity or expression. For maps of nondiscrimination laws in the states, please visit: www.HRC.org/State_Laws.
This March, I had been invited to provide testimony to the Judiciary Committee along with many members of the local community, faith and women’s organizations. The coordination of this was executed extremely well by members of ctEquality, who we thank and congratulate for their tremendous efforts.
The legislation adds the words “gender identity or expression” to other groups that may not be discriminated against in jobs, housing, public accommodations and credit. The law now includes, among other classes, race, age, sex, marital status and mental or physical disability.
The bill defines gender identity or expression as “a person’s gender-related identity, appearance or behavior, whether or not that gender-related identity, appearance or behavior is different from that traditionally associated with the person’s physiology or assigned sex at birth.”
The person must be able to provide evidence of his or her gender identity, such as medical history, “consistent and uniform assertion, or any other evidence that the gender-related identity is sincerely held, part of a person’s core identity or not being asserted for an improper purpose,” according to the law.
This post comes from Meghan Stabler, HRC Board of Directors.
Earlier this morning, at 12:26am, the Connecticut State Senate passed HB 6599: An Act Concerning Discrimination by a vote of 20-16. This was largely a party line vote, with two Democratic Senators voting against it. The bill was already passed by the State House 77-62. The bill now goes to the desk of Gov. Dan Malloy (D), who has said he will sign the landmark legislation.
Governor Malloy called it a “step forward in the fight for equal rights for all of Connecticut’s citizens and it’s the right thing to do.”
This crucial advancement in transgender rights follows on the footsteps of Hawaii and Nevada, where supportive legislatures, as well as Democratic and Republican Governors, recognized that a person should be judged on their merits and not on who they are. Upon signing, Connecticut will be the 15th U.S. state, along with the District of Columbia, to provide protections based on gender identity or expression. For maps of nondiscrimination laws in the states, please visit: www.HRC.org/State_Laws.
This March, I had been invited to provide testimony to the Judiciary Committee along with many members of the local community, faith and women’s organizations. The coordination of this was executed extremely well by members of ctEquality, who we thank and congratulate for their tremendous efforts.
The legislation adds the words “gender identity or expression” to other groups that may not be discriminated against in jobs, housing, public accommodations and credit. The law now includes, among other classes, race, age, sex, marital status and mental or physical disability.
The bill defines gender identity or expression as “a person’s gender-related identity, appearance or behavior, whether or not that gender-related identity, appearance or behavior is different from that traditionally associated with the person’s physiology or assigned sex at birth.”
The person must be able to provide evidence of his or her gender identity, such as medical history, “consistent and uniform assertion, or any other evidence that the gender-related identity is sincerely held, part of a person’s core identity or not being asserted for an improper purpose,” according to the law.
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