Anxiety

I find myself having anxiety about a lot of things lately....but c'est la vie? I'm going to graduate soon...maybe. At the art college, I really don't have any close friends. For one, I live in Broken Arrow which is about 25 minutes away so I don't find myself at the college as often as others and for some reason, any extra social activities arise a lot of anxiety and if I must go, I force myself to do so. Also, I would rather spend any extra time I have with Kris or even by myself. It is really exhausting if I stay at the college to paint or whatever because I have to turn on my social button. Having Aspergers, social cues do not come naturally to me. At times they do, especially if I feel comfortable. But I always feel this obligation to impress people around there. It's probably a self-invented obligation, though. Small talk is a struggle. These things are so bothersome, these little hang ups I have. They have been holding me back and I would like to find a way to get some treatment for them. I also have great anxiety about going places out of town on my own or with people I am not close to. My painting class wants to "meet up" in New York City in the Spring, and its the last thing I want to do. The only way I would want to go is if Kris went with me. But we have no extra money and Kris has to work all the time. It really bothers me that at 27 years of age, this sort of thing is an issue for me. But, during the last year, learning that I have ADD and Aspergers, has helped put a name to these quirky things that I have always been very ashamed of.
I am also worrying about when I graduate...what if I never really do anything with my art? I know I have the potential, but will I have "the balls" to really do anything? I really don't want to move. I have family and friends around here that I don't want to part with.
I have great difficulty in making new friends. But, I have really been trying to get passed that. When I was younger, much of these things that I have described were much worse. I learned when having a conversation with someone to smile when I was supposed to, laugh when it is appropriate, show concern when its needed, make eye contact to show that I am listening, and so on. Its so funny to learn that these things come naturally to most people. But during a conversation, things are the things that I am telling myself to do. Not with everyone, though. Some people I feel comfortable enough with not to worry about "appearing normal".
Its just exhausting to go through the level of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed by the simplest tasks like doing the dishes. Even when I am writing this, I am worried about appearing as too negative or whiney. I guess I need to get passed that. Its okay to bitch about things once in a while. I don't always need to act like I am a person who has no complaints because others have it worse than me.
Saying that, it does make me feel better to end on a positive note. I see that my Aspergers has actually, in a weird way, given me a gift. I still see things through the eyes of a child. I see the magic in this world that most others forget about. I guess that's why "real life" makes me feel so overwhelmed. Its all about work and money. I feel that I have to be successful to be worthwhile. But in my heart, I know what really matters and what makes me happy. Kris makes me happy. The thought of being a mother makes me happy. Being creative and making things, little projects like the plates I am making right now makes me happy. My family makes me happy (at times LOL). My little chihuahua Gonzo brings me joy. The Beatles are a source of happiness in my life.
Apparently, a part of Aspergers syndrome is the tendApparently obsessed with certain things, and mine for the last 13 years has been the Beatles, even though I have not taken to the extreme; I don't have time, money, or the patience for that, LOL. At first, I would get little things like Beatles figurines and posters, records and such...but those things just sit around the house doing nothing. I see some people that are obsessed with things that cover their walls with that subject and spend all their energy on it, like in this documentary I saw called "I Think We're Alone Now". The main person in the movie had Aspergers and what completely obsessed with the girl who sang that 80's song that shares its title with the movie. I mean like obsessed to the point of being delusional. It make me feel weird after watching it because I could see how it could happen. But then I felt better about myself because I actually am extremely tamed compared to this person...actually, compared to a lot of Beatles fans I am very tamed. I may be able to answer a lot of basic Beatles trivia, but hell, when I played Beatles trivia pursuit, I gave up lol.
So, for now, I am done ranting. It feels good to just come on here and pour it all out. I find that I write much better than I can communicate, so this is a great outlet. Thanks for reading this if you have!